Friday, November 11, 2011
Wow, I haven't blogged in awhile. Today felt like a good day to put some thoughts in the records and check in with myself. Well, things worked out better than they could have. Certainly perfect wouldn't be the word to describe it but I'm not complaining either. After my run in with doubt confusion and self loathing I came around. I've got my mojo back, only this time it's different and maybe better. It's not that nothing can stop me, it's that I'm ready to soar, I'm ready to not regret my life. I'm excited to help my children grow and dream and marry those two things into an amazing life for themselves. I have decisions to make that mean a lot to a lot of people, I think that is the position I have been striving for. Sometimes it's stressful and makes me look in the rearview mirror to make sure I'm on the right path, other times it let's me push people and help them accomplish things they doubted they could. What I need to find is the way not to be the boss when it comes to my wife, she needs something different. I'm working on it and I'm also leaving it alone. She married me for me and she is certainly getting that. Am I a better person now then I was on 6.19.04? I am. I think now it is time to focus, time to decide what the best path is and how to accomplish it in a harmonious way. My peaceful house on a beautiful Autumn day with my girls napping and me reminiscing is a nice way to start. Peace and Love, Happy Veterans Day!
Monday, March 7, 2011
I wish I could finish my own title, I wish I knew where I should go and what I should do. The truth is that I don't. I've changed now, permanently, and it's not clear what the purpose of this change is. All I know is that it is major. I have a new view of myself, my relationship, and my baseline. Can this be a good thing? Can this be destructive? Should I act upon my feelings? Should I persevere and take the road that makes sense? These are the questions that I have to answer. As much as I am afraid to answer them, putting them off doesn't fix anything. Do things need to get fixed? Yes, yes they do. I had some truly scary thoughts, feelings and ideas about what I should, could and will do. What I am sure of is that my children were born to teach me, learn from me, and share my world with me. They are the pinnacle of my existence, without them I would question my own existence and my own reality. In reading my last post I was able to step back in time and enjoy thoughts that were uncomplicated, clear and rational. Things are not that way now. Things are fucked! My heart hurts, my focus is gone, and I am not me. I look forward to........I'll let you know.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Wow so looking back and seeing that I only blogged once last year speaks volumes to me. I had an amazing year. My little girl grew up so much, my boys started Montessori school and are getting big and strong and smart, and my wife has gone through a major transformation. For me its hard to pinpoint exactly what to mention first. Missy and I have been trying to get back to our actual people roots and not just be parents but people as well. We have been going out, dancing, seeing music, art and trying to be a part of the culture that surrounds us. I've been loving every minute of it. Missy is a little frustrated with how much time at home, the repetition, the monotony, the loneliness of being a mother of 3 young children. Things are definitely coming to a head and what I mean is that some sort of major change is about to occur. To say I'm scared about it would be the honest thing to do. It's not that I'm not willing to change its that change takes longer for me. I need to reject it, think it through, and come back with a new twist on it that makes me feel like it was my call. That's just how I work. I thought Missy knew that by now but she is more of a spur of the moment type. Sometimes I just have these moments of clarity that are spurred from my situation, a certain song, a flight through the mountains, nature, sex, drugs or a combination thereof. Today, flying through the Colorado Rockies and seeing the majesty of snow filled peaks that twinkled and roared was one of those moments. I put my headphones on and got chills through my body. I'm connected, I'm strong, and I'm the creator of my reality. Being a sorcerer to me is that feeling embodied. We are all sorcerers, but if you don't know how to use your power you might as well not know it. I know it, I feel it and I am ready to embrace it. To start I'm going to do something every day to push towards my goal of seeing this world with my family. Not worrying about the dangers of the places that surround us but pushing through to see, learn and feel all there is for us to explore. I'm a lucky Dad, husband, man and sorcerer. Now it's time to use all of the powers awarded to those things. Watch out world here we come!!