All good things must.......

I wish I could finish my own title, I wish I knew where I should go and what I should do. The truth is that I don't. I've changed now, permanently, and it's not clear what the purpose of this change is. All I know is that it is major. I have a new view of myself, my relationship, and my baseline. Can this be a good thing? Can this be destructive? Should I act upon my feelings? Should I persevere and take the road that makes sense? These are the questions that I have to answer. As much as I am afraid to answer them, putting them off doesn't fix anything. Do things need to get fixed? Yes, yes they do. I had some truly scary thoughts, feelings and ideas about what I should, could and will do. What I am sure of is that my children were born to teach me, learn from me, and share my world with me. They are the pinnacle of my existence, without them I would question my own existence and my own reality. In reading my last post I was able to step back in time and enjoy thoughts that were uncomplicated, clear and rational. Things are not that way now. Things are fucked! My heart hurts, my focus is gone, and I am not me. I look forward to........I'll let you know.

The Sorcerer

Wow so looking back and seeing that I only blogged once last year speaks volumes to me. I had an amazing year. My little girl grew up so much, my boys started Montessori school and are getting big and strong and smart, and my wife has gone through a major transformation. For me its hard to pinpoint exactly what to mention first. Missy and I have been trying to get back to our actual people roots and not just be parents but people as well. We have been going out, dancing, seeing music, art and trying to be a part of the culture that surrounds us. I've been loving every minute of it. Missy is a little frustrated with how much time at home, the repetition, the monotony, the loneliness of being a mother of 3 young children. Things are definitely coming to a head and what I mean is that some sort of major change is about to occur. To say I'm scared about it would be the honest thing to do. It's not that I'm not willing to change its that change takes longer for me. I need to reject it, think it through, and come back with a new twist on it that makes me feel like it was my call. That's just how I work. I thought Missy knew that by now but she is more of a spur of the moment type. Sometimes I just have these moments of clarity that are spurred from my situation, a certain song, a flight through the mountains, nature, sex, drugs or a combination thereof. Today, flying through the Colorado Rockies and seeing the majesty of snow filled peaks that twinkled and roared was one of those moments. I put my headphones on and got chills through my body. I'm connected, I'm strong, and I'm the creator of my reality. Being a sorcerer to me is that feeling embodied. We are all sorcerers, but if you don't know how to use your power you might as well not know it. I know it, I feel it and I am ready to embrace it. To start I'm going to do something every day to push towards my goal of seeing this world with my family. Not worrying about the dangers of the places that surround us but pushing through to see, learn and feel all there is for us to explore. I'm a lucky Dad, husband, man and sorcerer. Now it's time to use all of the powers awarded to those things. Watch out world here we come!!

Memorial Day

Looking forward to taking the kids camping this weekend. We have been so crazy with the opening of HQ, work travel, gardening and housework that I almost forgot about blogging. I have a lot to report, first of all I am in the midst of a spiritual awakening. My new diet is making me feel fantastic and the books I have been reading are spring boarding my awareness to a whole new level. Kryon book 1 was an epic step in what was an already fast moving pulse of energy inside me. I am excited to read on and even more excited to change guides and grow as an individual. Melissa has also been rejuvenated and we are in love all over again. The kids have absolutely grown and grown and Naiomi is coming in to her own and showing signs that she will be talking soon. Gotta run and grab the boys from Yia Yia. Talk soon

What happened to fall?

Wow! After reading my last post I am inspired to follow up. We have done some polishing and we are entering some new territory so there is a nice balance of interest for me. Coffee is looking promising and recession proof and fun. My work is shaping up to be the perfect job again. My family is my absolute rock. Each of the members in my family needs to keep it up, they are all being so hilarious and fun that the effort and energy that I run out of doesn't even bother me. Sure we bicker but we get over it fast and we move on. We have had so many great dinner parties and nights out that it's hard to single any one out. All I can say is that I feel truly rich and it has nothing to do with money. We all go through moments we want to last and moments we wish would fly by, but sometimes it's hard to stop and recognize this fact. I'm in it and I know it and it feels right. Now for an amazing Winter.

Summer better than others

This Summer has definitely been unique. Tons of rain and cool weather and many beautiful weekends. Everyone's take on it is different but for me it has been all I could have asked for. We got lots of great days on the beach and got to spend tons of time with the kids and friends. My 4 year olds favorite thing is dinner parties. He loves having people over and entertaining. The shop has been steady too. Summer is never our best time of year for business but it really feels like we're turning the corner and maturing as a business and as owners. We have a long weekend coming and then a week of vacation to chill and enjoy our family and friends. So the question I have for myself is, do I rest on my laurels and polish the things I have or do I continue to bite off a little more than I can chew and live near the edge? Both have their advantages and both are tempting. I'm always more tempted to chase the unknown but in this case it feels right to do a little polishing. Work can be improved and fun. The Shop can be improved and profitable and the family is in a fun state. Kids aren't in School yet and seeing the interaction of the 4 year old with the 2 year old and the baby is more than entertaining and tiring, it's incredible. I still have high hopes of making this the best Summer ever, here I go.

WTF?! Relax, Press On, Smile

Ok seriously, I am at a crossroads and for no apparent reason. My job is doing nothing for me, it's lost a lot of it's luster and it leaves me contemplating too often about what I should do. The coffee house seems stagnant, as much upside as there is, I don't feel like I have a lot of control or time to make a big difference. The kids are doing awesome but I want them to be happy and to make us happy and sometimes it feels like we're all driving ourselves crazy. What should I do right now? Is it the right time to make a drastic move? Should I stay put and wait for things to change? Is it the weather? I have had strange feelings and never know exactly what to do. Normally when this happens I shake it off and come up with a plan, some exciting new project or opportunity that leaves me excited and planning for the next step. I kind of don't want a new plan, got too much doin' as it is, just want to chill out and have fun. Here in-lies the issue. When it's time to "have fun" I'm getting frustrated and pressing. I can't seem to relax because the kids are relentlessly needing things and I feel obligated to acknowledge. I know people look at me like, "dude, these are the best years of your life" but you know what, Fuck that. My whole life are the best years of my life. I'm going to enjoy myself no matter what age I'm at. My wife wants me to start listening to some of her books and videos to gain some perspective, I'll try it but pressuring me to do so is also making me not want to do it. I've just lost a little purpose recently and I'm looking for something to put me back in action. Something I can get psyched about. For now I'm going to work on my relationship with the kids, we're close and I want to be able to tap in to that youth. I need some of their energy to rub off on me so I can just be happy about what I have. Maybe I have exactly what I want. Maybe I'm too worried about what I should want. Time to tap into the energy fields around and go on a journey. I'm going for it and I'm going in fast!!

First Day of School

So we dropped our two boys off at day care today for the first time in theirs and our lives. It was difficult and I tried to avoid it but my wife quickly caught me in the act and insisted I be part of the process. At first they were cool with it but when it came time for us to depart they let us have it. They cried and complained and really got through to both of us in our hearts. My wife and I have stayed in contact today supporting each other and wondering how it will pan out. Of course we called and double checked and they said after the first 15 minutes they were playing together and having fun but it kind of seemed like a protocol response. I just hope they can gain from this and make some friends and learn a little everyday. I also hope they miss me and my wife like crazy so that when we are rich and traveling the world together they can appreciate the time. Life can provide these day to day occurrences that make you sit and wonder and remember. Everyone I've talked to today remembers their first time being dropped off to school or preschool and thats what made me realize how big of a moment it was. The boys are so great and have such a bright future in store, I am excited to be a part of it and can't wait to hear how today went.